The 5-Minute-Manager - How to train a Toxic boss
I have worked with well over 100 managers and teams, including some of the most toxic managers you could ever imagine.
From my work reorganizing businesses and retraining managers, I have learnt that there are common reasons why some managers are toxic. The causes are simple in nature and are relatively easy to understand, and can, in many situations, be corrected.
What are toxic behaviours:
· Blame you.
· Bully you.
· Undermine you.
· Humiliate you.
· Criticize you in public.
· Don’t listen to you.
· Ignore you.
· Stress you.
· Look down on you.
· Praise people who are underperforming.
· Don’t support, inspire, or motivate you.
· Think of you as a unit of labour, easily replaceable.
· Rude, condescending, belittling.
· Use you as a scapegoat.
Managers are toxic because:
· They were bullied as a child and know that bullying works.
· They don’t know that they are toxic.
· They don’t know how to manage.
· Their role model was toxic.
· They are using a traditional management style like being an autocrat.
· They don’t like people.
· They are incompetent and are trying to hide it.
· They believe they are always right.
· They are scared to death of failing.
· They are fearful of looking stupid in front of others.
· They are scared of being caught out as a management fraud.
They became a manager because:
· They wanted more money.
· They wanted the title.
· They wanted to bully and boss others around.
· They want to be in control.
· Because they believe they are superior.
· They believe it’s their right.
· They believe they are entitled.
· They have been with the organization long enough.
So, what can you do about these people. In my case I can be very upfront, frank, and direct about their behaviour and then put in place new behaviours. But you as an employee of a toxic boss can’t do that, you have to approach it differently. Firstly, it’s not your job to deal with these people or change their behaviours, it’s the job of their superiors (who clearly are not doing their job). Secondly, if you have a toxic manager, you need to get away from them. Move to another department or team, resign if need be – the longer you are exposed to them the more damage they will do to you and trust me, they will damage you.
What I am offering here is a survival guide, but remember this is only a tactical, short-term solution, a strategic, long-term solution is what you need.
The most effective method is to influence a person to do something by prompting them to do the opposite. This works because when a person feels pressured to act a certain way, they often resort to doing the opposite in order to assert their autonomy and control. One thing you can say about all toxic managers is that they need to be in control.
Your objectives.
Let’s be clear about your objectives before acting.
1. To influence your boss to do something you want, as against what they may want.
2. To start managing them without their knowing so that they can’t damage you.
Different approaches you can use.
1. Put them in a receptive frame of mind.
Always make them feel important.
- Remind them that they are the manager and can do whatever they want.
o “You must have a lot of experience to be manager and decide on what gets done.”
2. Make them feel that they are always right.
o “That’s a great idea”, “Wish I had thought of that”, “That’s why you’re the manager”.
2. Become their favourite.
· You want to come across as someone they should listen to, someone they want to associate with, someone they will favour.
· To do this you need to come across as charismatic, try doing one or all of the following:
· Use people's names when talking to them. This personalise what you say next and makes you come across as more appealing.
· Exude confidence, don’t be timid. Pretend you are in a play, playing the part of a confident person. Keep your head up, speak without hesitating.
· Make them feel special by asking them about their feelings and interests.
· Make eye contact when you talk to them. To do this and easily maintain a stare, look just above the top of their nose between their eyebrows – to them it appears as if you are looking straight into their eyes. Looking into someone’s eyes gives you an upper hand. Psychologically it puts you in a superior position and as soon as the other person looks away (which they will) you have won. At this point, propose whatever it is you want. (Each time you win will change the way they behave towards you in the future.)
o “I just thought that ABC could be a better option”.
· Ask if they would be kind enough to do you a favour, like leaving early, having a slightly longer lunch, reading something you have written to get their opinion. Anything will do, what’s important is just getting them to do the favour. Once someone has done you a favour, they are highly likely to do it again.
o “Can I ask a favour please; can I have a longer lunch today?”
3. Talk about whatever it is you want (to get, to change, to be removed).
· Talk about the opposite of what you want, but don’t go on about it, just raise it.
o “I thought that doing XYZ might be a better outcome/result/make us/you look better. But I wouldn’t really know which is why I’m asking what you think”.
· Do some very subtle trash-talking about the thing you actually want. If you make your case too strong, slip in some minor criticism. Just throw it out there like you’re thinking out loud.
· Don’t argue too hard for the thing you don’t actually want.
· Don't let them generalize. Always ask them to explain their reasoning for suggesting the choice they are arguing for.
· Repeat something until they really understand what you are saying.
· Down talk the desired behaviour. ("I would never pick that.")
· I don’t think we should be allowed to do XYZ (XYZ is the opposite of what you want)
4. Ignore them.
This is risky behaviour but one worth trying. Simply ignore your manager, and don’t follow any instructions. This behaviour is so outside of their mindset that they won’t know how to handle it and may simply ignore you as a result.
Finally, if you can’t change their behaviour, you must get away from them as quickly as you can.